I'm fine, it's a lie

 A good friend of mine said "The biggest lies I ever told anyone is... I'm fine or I'm doing ok.

After he told me that, I realized just how many times I said these same words because I knew they didn't really want to know, it is just polite conversation.

I understand that it is hard to talk to a grieving person, regardless if they are grieving the loss of their spouse or anyone else that they loved.

I am only here to discuss the loss of a spouse. There are other places for the rest. I lost my parents, a sister, other family members, best friends, boyfriend, many pets...all are heartbreaking and difficult to process, but the loss of a spouse is different.

When you lose your spouse you lose your person. The one that holds you in their arms when you are sad. The one that shares life with you 24/7 and has your back when you need them to. The one that supports you in any endeavor, great or small. The one you laugh and cry with. The one you share responsibilities with on a daily basis. Someone that makes decisions with you about your life and the pursuit of happiness. They hold your hand when you are sick. They are there when you get bad news and hold you tight. You know that everything will be ok, because your person is there with you and you can face anything with them. I could go on and on...

In the next few days after your person dies, you realize you have so much paper work to do. Calls to make and people to tell the story over and over again and you become completely overwhelmed with it all. Then there is a funeral or cremation, wake or other event that sometimes you can't even do these things yourself. Dealing with people, family, friends can take a tremendous toll on your emotional well being. Sometimes, you end up not being able to do what is expected because of the cruelty of others. More on that another time.

Know that no matter what you do, it will be wrong in someone's eyes. If you have the most expensive send off for your loved one, there will be those who will be pretty nasty about it because you are wasting money. If you go the more simple route, then you are not doing enough. If you have a celebration of life, well, sometimes that also is under scrutiny and not good enough for some people.

I am sure some won't have all this crap to go through, but, for those who do, just remember, this is your rodeo. Not theirs. Your spouse is gone, not coming back. Follow their wishes to a "T" It won't be easy but it is necessary. If people don't like it or understand, that is their issue not yours.

Everyone has an opinion of what the griever should do. Its none of their business. If they don't like you for it, say goodbye and good riddance. It is painful, but remember this process doesn't end with their advice. It never ends.

Peace be with you my friends.

Nov 24, 2023 1:03:46pm