Creative Grieving glue book.

 I made a short video of the glue book page for his birthday.  Nothing elaborate, but it shows how to do it and how simple it can be

https://youtu.be/Kj1cQ_bHfek

Yesterday was my husband's 3rd birthday in heaven.

I tried  to focus on other things yesterday.   I miss him so much.  We did everything together including  chores.

I was pretty happy with myself  because I only cried  when I woke up, a few tears here and there, but I did well.

Today I went out to clear some snow and fell on my back.  I couldn't  get up.  I saw my neighbor was outside  so I yelled out to him.  He helped  me up and got me into the house. 

I lost it when I got in.  I hate being like this.  Not able to do so much on my own.  He's  out there doing my work for  me.  He is so kind.  He's a sweet and caring friend. 

Random thoughts

Living alone, learning to survive widowhood is a difficult journey.

Especially when you realize the person you need the most to lean on doesn't really want to be your guide post.

if only our time together was not so short 😢

Today, Dec 1st was the day Henry and I pledged our love and committed to be together for life.

We were very happy and loved a lifetime's worth for 9 1/2 years.
He retired, moved here, married me, all on this day. So many memories flood my mind. I miss him so much, my heart aches.

The tears fall from the knowledge that he will never hold my hand again. I will never feel his arms around me or hear the sound of his voice, hear the music he played for me and I can't help feeling that I lost a part of myself when he died.

I don't know if I will ever feel whole again. I am trying to do the best that I can each and every day.

I am so glad I had a good day yesterday, I didn't have time to think about what was coming today. I didn't have to deal with the emptiness because my day was full of fun and laughter.

I spoke with my friend Heidi this morning. I had one moment that I started to tear up, but I was determined not to cry and not start talking about what today was...If I had, I would have fallen down a very deep hole.

I have to find something to occupy my mind today. I can't sit here and think about what was and never will be again.

Dec 01, 2023 10:41:41am

 Self care is a must. We need to take a break from the world around us, including people.

Although I still checked fb, I wasn't really engaging much at all. I probably won't either. Too much disappointment and sadness.

As I read some cries for help from fellow grieving spouses, I am continuing to confirm my own thoughts and struggles. It is a path only I can walk alone. The ones who do offer words of wisdom, love, support, Thank you.

When it is your turn to go through this struggle, remember what you did to help someone, not just me, to get through this most horrifyingly overwhelming time in your life. If you haven't, well maybe you should really think about that.

I think back to the times I was there for someone that lost their spouse. I am sure there were times I could have done more. Had I known this misery then, I would have done more.

I took up collections for those who lost their spouses with no income and no insurance. I collected food and other things if needed. I helped with serving food for the wake. I have issues in funeral homes, not being able to do that most of the time and never on my own, I do things that help in different ways.

I am not saying this for a pat on the back, I am saying that I did what I thought I could do. Maybe I could have done more, I don't know. Every situation is different.

As I look back at the people who lost loved ones, I realize I wasn't there for them because they had big families and gatherings that kept them busy. Thinking I would just be in the way or that the family needed their time together. When I did reach out they either didn't have time or didn't answer so I didn't reach out again.

I guess I am just as guilty as the ones who do nothing at all. For that I am sorry.

I think social media has taken away the personal touch. We all jump on the feed and offer condolences and that's the end of it. We are inundated with constant posts that pushes our thoughts and cares to the sidelines.

I forgive you and myself for the lack of presence in each other's lives. We have given ourselves to the social media giants instead of to each other in a personal way. How sad that really is.

Dec 05, 2023 11:13:58am

 I needed a break due to not sleeping for several nights from leg cramps. I finally had a good night's sleep last night.

In my last post I made references to what I did or didn't do in my own situation. This doesn't mean what you did to help someone in in their grief wasn't enough.

Sometimes I don't explain well enough or generalize too much. Remember, I am an overthinker. I spend a lot of time agonizing if I did enough, gave enough, helped enough.

If you reach out and there is little or no response, connection, asking for help etc., that doesn't mean you should go and get in their face. I was only thinking maybe I should have done more in the past...

When the grieving person Is emotionally unavailable, they can't think straight, they are forgetful, brain fog is a real thing.

When the person is in raw grief it is undeniably draining and all you want is to zip yourself up into a cocoon. The loss is bad enough but then when you are hit with people wanting more from you than you can give...you lose them and anyone else that reaches out to help with their suggestions or advice because your mind is completely shut down with the agony and anxiety of every day.

There are days you just want life to end. That is an unfortunate fact and I was there more often that I would like to admit. The thoughts were there, I didn't act on them, but it wouldn't have taken much to get me there after all I went through.

Recently a man who lost his wife a few months ago, ended his life because he couldn't endure the loss. As supportive as we all were in the group we were in, it wasn't enough. He couldn't go on without her. My heart goes out to him for what he couldn't do and I hope he found the peace he was looking for. I cannot nor will not judge him or anyone who can't do this alone...it isn't my life and not my place.

Feeling so alone you just want to die, is one of the worst feelings in the world. You feel unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, unworthy, and lonely. You miss the touch, the very presence of that person who made you feel loved and alive.

I am grateful for those who were here, those who helped with many days of yard work, packing, unpacking, rearranging and more. I couldn't have done it without you. You are the reason I didn't just give up.

And the ones who couldn't physically be here, were here with phone calls, messages and moral support. I needed you too. I am grateful that you cared enough to reach out.

I am sure some think I say too much. But it takes strength to be open and honest about this. I need to speak my truth and I hope it helps one person who needs to know they aren't alone.

Dec 08, 2023 2:27:08pm

 Starting over in many ways.

Healing within from my creative mind and becoming me once again is the point of this exercise.

Grief comes from an all consuming amount of things you can't control.  I have continually met with brick walls for the privacy and necessary protection of my well being.  

As much as I want to share my journey with you, the less I trust the internet and all the nonsense that goes with it.  

I took a good look at the way I was sharing my thoughts and concerns in regards to my grieving journey, but somehow it didn't seem to ever meet the needs on the FB system.  It became filled with ads and my actual blog was not even visible to me at one point.  I decided to come back here to a more friendly atmosphere and simpler way of blogging.  

Life has changed drastically for me since 2020.  Then in 2021, I lost my husband, he was my world.  I know several people suffering losses and most are for their spouse or significant other.  

When I talk about a spouse, I am, from this point on, meaning that a spouse is that person who you shared your life with,  regardless of a marriage license, gender or what is typically thought of...a spouse is the person you intended to spend the rest of your life with and that is your PERSON!

I have included the posts I shared on the sister page on FB.  I feel it is still my journey and those thoughts were the beginning for my healing with my creative mind.  I was lost and couldn't find any spark of interest for doing anything joyful in my life.

I began with a Creative Grieving Glue Book series.  I have posted some videos on you-tube just to talk though some of  my thoughts and troubles.  The book is full of random paper, pictures and items making a background for further embellishment later on.  

Everyone is different, we all have something that we can do to help ourselves though many times of sadness and emotional distress.  When it becomes deeply embedded and nothing helps, perhaps professional therapy will be your next step to recovery.

I am  not a therapist, I am an artist and love to create.  I have my own way of thinking and doing for myself.  It is my story, my journey and I am only sharing that part with you.  If you get something positive out if it, that is wonderful.  

I started a new glue book. Creative grieving, is sharing how I cope with my emotions by finding inspiration and breaking creative blocks.

I only found 3 glue sticks in my stash. I had a full box of 60. Nowhere to be found. I donated some, but I saved one box. Waiting for a new box so I can continue.

As I create the book from magazines or catalogs I create a collage for a background. To complete a page or story I will go back and pick a background to embellish.

I have started 3 miniature projects only to put them aside. I am uninspired because of my current state of mind.

These books are mood related, and gets your mind focused on the artistic aspect of this type of therapy.

I took a course in art therapy several years ago. The mask on my banner is one of the items we made. We wear many masks during our life and when we are at the lowest point of our life we must find a way to unmask.

A new day, a new beginning!

 I hope this blog will be better than the previously published one on FB.  I hope it isn't too confusing since the date on the blog will be today's date even though I added the original date I wrote and published it.  

I did it!

Today, I had about 3 inches of wet snow to push off the decks, sidewalk and driveway. Plus the huge chunks left by the snow plow. But that is something they can't help. I'll suck it up and get it done.

I could hire someone but the prices are way out there. In a senior community like this, they are way over priced for a small driveway and they don't do the steps or walks. No thank you.

Another job my husband and I did together. It's a lot for me to do alone. But I am stubborn enough to get it done on my own.

I have an electric snow blower but it won't do this heavy snow.

Do one thing every day that makes you happy...is my motto.
So far that didn't happen 😕 🤔

Jan 12, 2024 2:54:10pm

Yesterday was a mental health day. All I did was make a small batch of cookies for myself.

Today, I showered, dressed and sat at my desk to do some pages in my Creative Grieving glue book.

My Bella was being a nosy girl, but, she just wants to be part of my day and that is OK with me. She is my therapist! Perhaps she decided I had done enough and is now taking a nap on the glue book.

I will upload today's video because I see a change in my thought pattern being more positive. Yes, I mentioned things that were hurtful in the past, but I can rise above that now.

Jan 11, 2024 11:04:12am

I have been going through some boxes of my husband's collectibles.  Just a couple pictures to make reading interesting.

I hope they all find new homes. Having doubts at this point. The field of those wanting them is limited.

I also decided to rehome my sister's creations that she made for me over the years. A couple items found new homes, but, it takes a special person to want them.

It's not easy to let these things go. But it is necessary.

One step at a time, I will be free of the things that hold me back.

Jan 09, 2024 4:50:45pm

Creative Grieving shared a link.

https://youtube.com/live/Gwi5wq2JyFI?si=o039w43_iUe3C6L_

This is worrisome.

Updated Jan 06, 2024 6:03:32am

Jan 06, 2024 6:03:32am

Rearranging my craft room again the last couple days. I'm just trying to make it more functional.
I eliminated a corner desk and changed the work desks with recording set up in place of the corner desk. It feels much better in there.
The desk was my husband's. We had matching desks. It felt like a huge weight left the room. I know I need to keep removing these things. It definitely is another step to healing.

Happy New Year

I hope 2024 will be a good year for all.

I have had my share of challenges over the years, but I am still optimistic that change will happen and life will go on in a positive way.

Be true to yourself. At the end of the day, you can look in the mirror with pride because those who tried hard to break you, lost.

Jan 01, 2024 9:48:04am

Memories of our beautiful garden

Dec 28, 2023 12:48:07pm

Yesterday was my birthday. I thought I would be alone again, but my daughter and hubby were feeling better and came for a visit. It made me very happy. The best gift of all is someone's time.

It has been hard work to get my mindset to where it is now. I only need more time to make my life something I can enjoy. I deserve happiness 😊

Beautiful roses, a hand knit scarf and an Autism support vest. Thoughtful gifts that make me feel loved.

A call from my grandson and his girls so I could hear them all say Happy birthday to me.

All I needed is to know was I am loved.

Dec 28, 2023 6:35:29am

Perfectly said.

As the year comes to a close, it is a time for reflection – a time to release old thoughts and beliefs and forgive old hurts.
Whatever has happened in the past year, the New Year brings fresh beginnings. Exciting new experiences and relationships await.
Let us be thankful for the blessings of the past and the promise of the future ..
~ Peggy Toney Horton ~

Dec 28, 2023 6:31:12am

I had a good day today in spite of it being Christmas.

I was determined to keep my thoughts on everyone's posts and the messages and texts I had throughout the day.

The day started with a phone call from my nephew who I love like a brother. He made my day!

After that I had a lot of lovely chats with those who took time out of their day to send special greetings.

I made a pot roast with potatoes, gf gravy and Brussel sprouts for my dinner.

Then made an impromptu dinner invitation to Karen to share the meal. We played a game and had some fun and conversation. It was a very nice afternoon.

I didn't focus on the day, I treated it like just another day. It definitely helped me to get through it.

Dec 25, 2023 8:00:07pm

Having to learn how to fix things when you can't find a company that will do small jobs is part of my frustration.

The past week I had to remove every floor register to see if there was an issue with furnace ducts.
2 rooms were extremely cold.

Every room was a different temperature which made me wonder if the ducts were disconnected.

Yep, I had no choice but to fix them. I had to caulk and screw the ducts to the opening. They were poorly done.

Then discovered that the vinyl flooring is on water damaged sub floor in the laundry room. Who knows how far the damage is under the flooring. That has to be fixed by a contractor.

Almost 72 years old and I'm on the floor trying to close up air leaks.

So much for the home inspection when I bought this place. Not impressed.

I took my time, straightened out the areas that were bent like the one above.  I caulked every opening, screwed in the areas that were not properly set in.  It took me a week to get them all done.  I have 3 registers I can't get to because when the laminate floor was put in they didn't allow any way to remove under cabinet registers.  I will say the house is so much warmer than before.  

Dec 23, 2023 9:22:22am

I wrote this in 2011 after the death of my first husband.

**It occurred to me that people who have lost their spouses go through some pretty crazy changes. Everyone says keep busy... doing what?
Spend time with family...sure that is going to happen
Take a trip, right...then everyone wonders what's wrong with you that you can't spend the holidays at home when there is no one there to spend it with.
Take time to go through things...that only delays the agony. Buy a dog, did that.
Get a cat, did that too.
Start a project...yep and its waiting to be finished.
Get grief counseling...sure thing...I will get right on that.

It isn't the grief, its not having someone to share things with, that every day is the same as the day before. You lost not only your spouse but part of you.

Everyone goes on with their lives and they don't realize that you are on hold, in limbo, your life has become a blank page in the photo album. Yep that is it...

Dec 23, 2023 9:11:46am

A gift for my neighbors. They are collectors of antiques, vintage and even jewelry. I gave it to them last night and they loved it. I received a text after I went to bed that was so heartwarming to me... I saw it when I got up this morning. They hung it on the wall in their bedroom. The note said it was one of the most beautiful gifts ever received. Several pieces on it were specifically chosen for them.

They hung it on the wall in their bedroom. The note said it was one of the most beautiful gifts ever received.
Several pieces on it were specifically chosen for them.

Dec 20, 2023 4:47:05am

This isn't about making a business for myself. I am doing all I can to survive widowhood.

I'm not ever going to ask you to join anything or to expect money for sharing my thoughts or my artwork.

Not everyone I know feels comfortable talking in groups but will if they know me or someone they feel safe with.

This blog is not about healing you, it's about me. I can offer advice from my experience, but, you don't have to take it. I am not a therapist so please seek help with a professional if you need it.

Art therapy is helping me because I am able to put forth the effort to start somewhere. It speaks to me.

If it isn't your "cuppa tea", then I am only showing you that it is helping me and you can find your way doing something every day that you love. xoxo

Dec 18, 2023 2:41:19pm

This morning I decided to go through my junk jewelry collection 🙃

It is a lot to go through but I am determined to get it put away in a more organized manner. When people give you a bag of jewelry it is tangled and messy. Not complaining at all. I also bought a lot at garage sales and thrift stores.

As I clear the way to begin creating again on a daily basis, I also need to declutter the things I won't use.

Here's a video of me going through a shoebox of assorted stuff. All I ask is for you to like the video so I know you were there.

https://youtu.be/-BVKnWLG0VI

We can grieve together and heal together at the same time.

Moving forward one step at a time

Dec 16, 2023 11:31:05am

I am definitely feeling more creative.

So far I have created 3 different Junk Jewelry collage pieces.

I know it isn't everyone's taste, but it keeps your mind busy, you plan where things go, you give yourself the freedom to explore new ways to use something that would end up in the trash because it's broken.

Art therapy is something anyone can do even if you think you aren't creative. It's play and no one has to see it unless you want them to.

Dec 15, 2023 12:54:10pm

The sun is shining! I have been up since 4:30 am.

It is a day closer to Christmas.

All I want for Christmas is love and understanding.

Dec 12, 2023 8:09:43am

Creative Grieving Glue Book

 I spent the better part of the day creating backgrounds in the new glue book.

It is so relaxing and I see myself thinking more about the spring when I can go back outside to finish what I started with the landscape.

I cried a couple times when I was thinking about all I have lost, not just material things, but my person. That person who knew me better than anyone else and loved me anyway.

I dread the next 2 weeks. Forcing myself to get through it any way I can. I am grateful for the friends that are helping me get through this misery.

Dec 11, 2023 5:31:16pm

Creative Grieving Glue book page

 A little background I am starting to do small creative projects again, but I still feel less than inspired. However, I am doing the best I can to complete something. That is key to overcoming this block of creativity. The glue book project isn't stressful because it is using the beauty of those who fill magazines, catalogs or other things to create something new instead of throwing it away. The demand of having to start from scratch is out of the equation. Art that would be cast out to the dump instead becomes an extension of that art with mine or yours. I was always creating something in my past. Learning new techniques, creating new patterns or something. I loved to paint. I started with pencil drawings, ceramics, oils, then watercolor, pen and ink, acrylics and filled my emptiness with art. I loved the whimsical side of art/crafts and did whatever fed that need for joy and admittedly praise. We all need to be encouraged so we can grow as an artist or anything else. Without it, we will most likely wither and die. Chapter 2: My second husband came along at a time when I really needed support. It was amazing how well we understood each other. His kindness and support gave me hope that I could get through this. Eventually we fell in love and married. He supported me in every way. He believed in me, my creativity, and then kept telling me I needed to get back into doing art. Every day he encouraged and inspired me to do more. He was proud of me, loved and respected me too. When he died, it overwhelmed me to a point I was stuck in a very bad place. I did everything I could to push past those darkest of days. I moved, sold my home and over half of what was in it. I kept a lot of my art and craft supplies. It has been 2 years and I still haven't really used most of what is left. Until I break though this block, I don't think I will ever move forward enough to be happy or feel joy. Being alone most of the time has many challenges. Its hard to fill a day of loneliness with joy. Especially when every day we had together was filled with love and happiness. I am not a socialite, I enjoyed going out with my husband. I am a loner most of the time, but I don't like going places alone. I have done it, I don't really appreciate the lack of conversation during dinner, shopping, festivals etc. We enjoyed the same things and filled our life with music and being together. An occasional friend who may text or call makes my day. A neighbor who is very kind and helpful when I need him. But, at the end of the day, it is just me and my cat. This is why it is so important to gain my creativity back. So I can immerse myself in it and not be in my head all the time. Part of this glue book is also for manifesting my desires. So I can live my life in a better way. Not just in art, but in my dwelling, creating a landscape that will bring me peace and comfort. I doubt there will be a chapter 3. I am not looking for love. Just someone that shares my interests and I can depend on. A previously created Steampunk themed Junk journal with box.

A little background
I am starting to do small creative projects again, but I still feel less than inspired. However, I am doing the best I can to complete something. That is key to overcoming this block of creativity.

The glue book project isn't stressful because it is using the beauty of those who fill magazines, catalogs or other things to create something new instead of throwing it away. The demand of having to start from scratch is out of the equation. Art that would be cast out to the dump instead becomes an extension of that art with mine or yours.

I was always creating something in my past. Learning new techniques, creating new patterns or something. I loved to paint. I started with pencil drawings, ceramics, oils, then watercolor, pen and ink, acrylics and filled my emptiness with art.

I loved the whimsical side of art/crafts and did whatever fed that need for joy and admittedly praise. We all need to be encouraged so we can grow as an artist or anything else. Without it, we will most likely wither and die.

Chapter 2: My second husband came along at a time when I really needed support. It was amazing how well we understood each other. His kindness and support gave me hope that I could get through this.

Eventually we fell in love and married. He supported me in every way. He believed in me, my creativity, and then kept telling me I needed to get back into doing art. Every day he encouraged and inspired me to do more. He was proud of me, loved and respected me too.

When he died, it overwhelmed me to a point I was stuck in a very bad place. I did everything I could to push past those darkest of days. I moved, sold my home and over half of what was in it. I kept a lot of my art and craft supplies. It has been 2 years and I still haven't really used most of what is left. Until I break though this block, I don't think I will ever move forward enough to be happy or feel joy.

Being alone most of the time has many challenges. Its hard to fill a day of loneliness with joy. Especially when every day we had together was filled with love and happiness.

I am not a socialite, I enjoyed going out with my husband. I am a loner most of the time, but I don't like going places alone. I have done it, I don't really appreciate the lack of conversation during dinner, shopping, festivals etc.

We enjoyed the same things and filled our life with music and being together. An occasional friend who may text or call makes my day. A neighbor who is very kind and helpful when I need him. But, at the end of the day, it is just me and my cat.

This is why it is so important to gain my creativity back. So I can immerse myself in it and not be in my head all the time.

Part of this glue book is also for manifesting my desires. So I can live my life in a better way. Not just in art, but in my dwelling, creating a landscape that will bring me peace and comfort.

I doubt there will be a chapter 3. I am not looking for love. Just someone that shares my interests and I can depend on.

A previously created Steampunk themed Junk journal with box.

Dec 11, 2023 12:33:38pm

Getting through the day.

 Welcome to December. Its a cold and rainy day. I hope we get more sunshine.

I had a really great day, yesterday!

I was invited by my kind hearted neighbor, Gary, to go shopping at a local craft store. He was looking for some ornaments for his new tree. He sold most of what he had when he moved and making a fresh start, just like me.

We had a great time and it reminded me of the days Henry and I shopped together. We always had fun and enjoyed every outing.

I bought a few really nice things all 50% off, which really makes me happy. I love a good bargain!

I almost didn't go, but then I thought how nice it was to be asked to go, the weather was sunny and beautiful and I really needed a change of scenery. I agreed and we were off!

Our first stop was Hobby Lobby. We had a great time looking at everything and sharing our thoughts. We both found some really good items and were so happy with your bargains!

He wanted to go to lunch, but was afraid about my dietary issues. I said in the whole area I can still eat at 2 places so we decided on Mission BBQ. Henry loved that place. I do too and now so does my friend. He was impressed with the food and the atmosphere. We were just in time for the pledge off allegiance at noon.

We went home and decided to drop off our purchases and go to a Thrift shop. We had such a good time going through all the piles of stuff and even found a few items that were super cheap.

I have been looking for animated armatures to make creepy dolls with. I found one for $5.00. It is pretty dirty and needs a lot of work but If I can clean the clothing I will use them after I alter them for my Mini Museum. If not, I can make something that would have that Gothic flair I am looking for. I have a lot of ideas and when its warm enough to work in the garage I will be doing more out there in hopes that next Halloween I can actually open it up to view.

I will say it helped shift my dread of today. I wanted to avoid it as much as I could.

But here I am, trying not to think about it.

Dec 01, 2023 10:31:27am

Emotionally unavailable

 Being Emotionally Unavailable

I wanted to touch on this yesterday, but I was working on something and just didn't feel like it after I was done with it.

As I talk to other grieving widows and widowers, I mentioned that I felt emotionally unavailable. Their response, was they too, felt the same way. They just get up in the morning, then follow a necessary routine and go to bed. Most go to bed early just because they can't stand the quiet any longer. The emptiness and the lack of conversation or companionship becomes overwhelming.

One of the most common things I hear is when you lose your spouse, people expect you to reach out to them if you want to talk. That means, I will talk to you, but prefer not to.

If they really wanted to help, they would reach out to you. Very few will do that. Even the people you thought were the closest to you. They don't find the time to do it. Is that a bad thing? No, because why talk to someone if you don't want to hear about the grief and sadness. I wish that I had realized this before now.

I was hurt by it, but now, I don't care about it. I know how I rate on the scale of importance. I adjust my time and efforts accordingly.

Some people have been through it and avoid contact too. That is because they can't relive the grief they have been able to set aside. I can certainly understand too. It is too painful for them to listen. It is a defense mechanism and we all do what we have to in order to survive.

I used to be an avid reader. I no longer enjoy reading. I have no desire to sit and struggle to read because of the quiet. As I read my mind wanders and I get no enjoyment from the book at all. I have trouble with staying focused and my eyes will blur and burn.

I turn on the TV just so I hear the voices. It fills the room with noise. When I get tired of it, I go to bed. I am an early riser as well, so I do the same. I couldn't care less about the news or the political shit and I absolutely hate commercials. So I watch videos until I am ready to start my day. After all, I have nothing to do early in the morning anyway.

I have nothing else to do, except play with Bella several times a day. She helps a lot but still hasn't found a way to have a meaningful conversation with me. LOL. I love her dearly and don't know what I would do without her.

Does any of this sound familiar? I believe that unless you have a job/life outside the home, you will probably relate to some of this.

I allowed myself to take the time to work on me. I pushed myself to the end of my rope to get the yard done, now there isn't anything I can do outside because it is too cold.

I have to face holidays, anniversary, birthdays, and numerous other reminders of the life I once had. Every month is full of those memories and most of it, I do it alone.

Recently, the anniversary of my husband's death came and went. I heard nothing from the ones that should have acknowledged it, so that was very hurtful. I am very disappointed in them. I didn't say anything but I will always feel that I was not important enough for them to even see if I was ok. I know I am not the only one who had this happen and that is truly sad.

I have been encouraged to find a new mate, someone that will fill my life again with joy. I am still emotionally unavailable in that sense. If it is meant to be that person will find me. I am not looking.

Nov 29, 2023 9:45:52am

Day after day I find myself reliving the past. Healing my shadow self is a lot of stressful work, but it is definitely worth doing. I tried so many things in the past that opened the locked doors in my mind, but never really addressed and solved the issues. Therapy, hypnosis, meditation, and much more...

All I really needed was someone that understood me, someone that truly loved me and wanted me in their life. Someone that didn't lie, cheat or abuse me.

Its very difficult to grieve the loss of my dearest Henry, but I am also grieving for my inner child, my younger self, and my adult self that never really had a chance to grow. Growth was stunted for many years.

I was never truly happy with my life until I met Henry. We learned so much while we were together. We gave each other the things that were missing in our previous lives with other people.

It is not my intention to bash anyone who can't defend themselves. I am only saying that until we met we were not just unhappy, we had nothing to be truly happy about as ourselves, the people we became, the emotional abuse we suffered and sometimes physical abuse as well.

We bared our souls with each other and we began our journey together saying that past is the past as we began our lives together with a clean slate.

Some family members were very angry about that, but it wasn't that he didn't love his family, they didn't make him feel loved or respected. I too felt the same in many situations. So we concentrated on loving each other and giving the best versions of ourselves every day to each other.

I miss that life. I miss being loved unconditionally. I miss not having someone that wanted nothing from me except my love. I miss holding his hand, the way he smiled at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I miss having that person who shared every moment with me because he wanted to, not because he had to.

I miss the sound of his voice, his music, the sound of his breathing as he slept beside me. I miss his gentle spirit and kind, loving manner, I miss everything about him.

Many times when we are grieving we end up not talking about the loss because it makes other people uncomfortable. Sometimes we over do it, for sure... But there will come a time that the person you thought wanted to hear you, comfort you and show you the support you needed, will do things that make you realize you made a big mistake even sharing those things that you carried with you all your life. The secrets we kept because we had no other way to deal with them, except pretend they were not important.

I could write a book on the subject, but that doesn't really help me or you. At least, for now. Perhaps when my grief has found a safe place in my heart and mind to reside until its my time to die.

Part of the problem with grief is we feel we can't talk about it because it pushes people away. It does that to many relationships. It is unfortunate, but some people can live with it, I cannot. I need to express myself and if you don't like it, don't want to hear it, well, that is your decision. Just remember that someday you will be faced with it. You will lose your spouse or someone you love and you will then know what it is like to go through it.

I never thought I would have so many regrets at this age. I didn't have them until I realized how much of my life was a lie. People who I thought cared really didn't. They had their own agendas and only wanted me for their own needs until I no longer wanted to remain part of that. Things I thought were true were not. Things I believed in are no longer a part of my life. I lost myself in many ways. I have to start over.

I was told by a therapist that I had tenacity. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here trying to heal myself and share my story with you.

Nov 29, 2023 9:15:47am

Holiday blues

 The holidays are the hardest. 2 years in a row I was alone for Christmas. I no longer want to decorate since there's no one here to share it with.

I put these gnomes on a shelf today and the light changing snowman in the craft room. Good enough for me.

The tree is in storage and what few decorations I have left are too. A lot of my Christmas decorations disappeared during the move. Several totes full of keepsakes and special gifts are gone forever.

Another challenge awaits. Getting through our Anniversary, Christmas, my birthday, New Years and his birthday. Then Valentines day, our vows renewal anniversary. It's not just the firsts of everything, it continues to slap you in the face every year.😒

I know it will get better eventually, when I am able to put these milestones out of my mind.

If you are feeling left out or just not festive, that is normal. The point is to take care of you.

Nov 29, 2023 2:24:19pm

Healing the shadow self

 Day after day I find myself reliving the past. Healing my shadow self is a lot of stressful work, but it is definitely worth doing. I tried so many things in the past that opened the locked doors in my mind, but never really addressed and solved the issues. Therapy, hypnosis, meditation, and much more...

All I really needed was someone that understood me, someone that truly loved me and wanted me in their life. Someone that didn't lie, cheat or abuse me.

Its very difficult to grieve the loss of my dearest Henry, but I am also grieving for my inner child, my younger self, and my adult self that never really had a chance to grow. Growth was stunted for many years.

I was never truly happy with my life until I met Henry. We learned so much while we were together. We gave each other the things that were missing in our previous lives with other people.

It is not my intention to bash anyone who can't defend themselves. I am only saying that until we met we were not just unhappy, we had nothing to be truly happy about as ourselves, the people we became, the emotional abuse we suffered and sometimes physical abuse as well.

We bared our souls with each other and we began our journey together saying that past is the past as we began our lives together with a clean slate.

Some family members were very angry about that, but it wasn't that he didn't love his family, they didn't make him feel loved or respected. I too felt the same in many situations. So we concentrated on loving each other and giving the best versions of ourselves every day to each other.

I miss that life. I miss being loved unconditionally. I miss not having someone that wanted nothing from me except my love. I miss holding his hand, the way he smiled at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I miss having that person who shared every moment with me because he wanted to, not because he had to.

I miss the sound of his voice, his music, the sound of his breathing as he slept beside me. I miss his gentle spirit and kind, loving manner, I miss everything about him.

Many times when we are grieving we end up not talking about the loss because it makes other people uncomfortable. Sometimes we over do it, for sure... But there will come a time that the person you thought wanted to hear you, comfort you and show you the support you needed, will do things that make you realize you made a big mistake even sharing those things that you carried with you all your life. The secrets we kept because we had no other way to deal with them, except pretend they were not important.

I could write a book on the subject, but that doesn't really help me or you. At least, for now. Perhaps when my grief has found a safe place in my heart and mind to reside until its my time to die.

Part of the problem with grief is we feel we can't talk about it because it pushes people away. It does that to many relationships. It is unfortunate, but some people can live with it, I cannot. I need to express myself and if you don't like it, don't want to hear it, well, that is your decision. Just remember that someday you will be faced with it. You will lose your spouse or someone you love and you will then know what it is like to go through it.

I never thought I would have so many regrets at this age. I didn't have them until I realized how much of my life was a lie. People who I thought cared really didn't. They had their own agendas and only wanted me for their own needs until I no longer wanted to remain part of that. Things I thought were true were not. Things I believed in are no longer a part of my life. I lost myself in many ways. I have to start over.

I was told by a therapist that I had tenacity. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here trying to heal myself and share my story with you.

Nov 29, 2023 9:15:47am

Sharing a video

 https://youtu.be/6RxAT0XeV6k?si=ILIn2rlzJ1M_q5AB

Well my friends I just watched this video. It doesn't matter who you are, rich, poor, man or woman...grief consumes you. My heart goes out to him and anyone who has lost the love of their life. Everything he says is exactly how we feel as widows/widowers.

https://youtu.be/6RxAT0XeV6k?si=ILIn2rlzJ1M_q5AB

Updated Nov 28, 2023 6:56:55am

Nov 28, 2023 6:56:55am

Moving Forward

 Moving forward one step at a time

Many have asked me how did I do so much to start moving forward in the beginning.

We had talked about what we wanted and we each had advanced directives in place for our final requests.

Henry told me he wanted me to contact a trusted friend of his to sell his models as soon as possible in the event that he died before me. He also said that his music equipment was to be sold as soon as I could do that too. At this point in our lives what he came with from Ohio, his previous marriage, was already gone. He either sold it or traded those instruments to buy better equipment. We had a whole music room and a huge investment. I had help from a mutual friend to price and sell those items.

He also said he wanted his clothing, shoes, boots, coats etc., to be donated to the homeless shelter. All of what I did was extremely difficult to do and let go of. But to do as he wished I pushed through my emotions and did just that.

I was contacted by a homeless shelter that was desperate for men's clothes. I was referred to them from a friend. I honestly sobbed over every piece of clothing I touched. I managed to sort though it all and boxed up 6 enormous boxes and a few smaller ones.

Of course, I was attacked by his family who disagreed with my decision to do this so soon after he was gone. I saved a few items for them as they requested and I have certain items that hold precious memories for me.

I did nothing more until spring. That was when the models and his supplies were inventoried and sold. I am grateful for those that helped me with all of that. Another step forward in order to move to a smaller place and do as Henry had asked me in the case of his death.

Next was the music room. OMG that was heart wrenching to say the least. When that was inventoried and sold I was barely hanging on, but with the help and kindness of my family and friends, I was able to let those things go and took one more step forward.

A neighbor told me that my SIL said I shouldn't sell so fast, I should wait a year or more to do that. NOW HEAR THIS! None of her business for one. Who is she to even voice an opinion? She never set foot in our house for almost 6 years. I really didn't know her and she never once contacted me after Henry died.

(Don't let someone do this to you. It is none of their business if you need to make a new start. If the house is too big, you can't take care of it yourself, if you can't afford to live there since you have lost your spouse's income, that is up to you to make that decision. Do what you need to do to survive emotionally, physically or financially.)

I found this place that was just the right size, had room for my art/craft room and even though it needed some improvements it was move in ready. I was still very weak and exhausted all the time, but somehow with the help of friends and family I was able to achieve the move which was to make a new start.

I couldn't sell my house until I moved because I didn't know how long it would take me to get it packed up and be out of there. I was struggling with longhaulers so that was something that really made this step very difficult.

Once I did move, the house sold in a month and I was free from all the emotional attachments of it. I no longer got up in the morning looking at the spot where he fell, or see the movie in my mind of the paramedics taking him out the front door. I no longer had to live in 3 rooms because to go in the other rooms caused me a great deal of pain.

Taking those steps are not easy. But you must eventually make decisions for the rest of your life. Hiding everything in the closet only makes the steps to move forward more difficult. At least for me it does.

Decisions are difficult. You have to figure out a lot of things. You will make mistakes along the way, but, that is life and we just have to accept that.

Who to trust is another thing that is extremely important. I put my trust in someone only to be lied to or about, stolen from and that adds to the already stressful life you are living.

Some will kick you when you are down. Well, kick them back and to the curb. They are not worth having in your life, don't fall for their deceit and agendas.

At the present time, I have decided to stay here. Its not perfect, but at least its mine. I have no one to answer to or worry about if they approve of me or not, I don't care, its my life and if I make a mistake I will take responsibility for it, just like I have always done.

I have been through the raw grief so long, felt the anger every day of the way I was treated but I have learned from it. I can't change their opinion of me, that is their business. I can remove them and their hatred from my life and find the people who are supportive and in turn I will support them.

If you feel there is something wrong in their reaction to you or your feelings...go, don't waste your time explaining, just go. Move on and find the ones that will nurture your friendship and be there if you need a shoulder to cry on.

I am an over thinker. I always have been. I will take something offensive and be hurt by it for a long time... but that is not productive. I am working through that too. Not everyone that smiles at you has your best interest in mind. Sometimes that smile is their idea that you have bared your soul and they are glad you are suffering. Harsh reality but true. Not everyone is like that.

Find your tribe and embrace the new you. It is really that simple.

Take care of you

 How can I help someone who is struggling with grief you might ask. I am still in a state of limbo. I still cry and remain a recluse many days. I am still grieving but I am learning how to live a life as a single woman who is also elderly. I have never lived completely alone in my entire life. That is a challenge in itself.

Most of my life I had to do pretty much what I do now. I was responsible for keeping the home, yard and finances in order because my first husband worked long hours and eventually traveled for a living. Sometimes he was gone for several days and weeks. When he came home he did his own thing...

He was the breadwinner. He worked hard and it was up to me to hold down the fort. That part I can do. The only difference now is I forget things even when I write it down. Thank goodness for auto-pay.

It is the long lonely hours that get to me. Its hard for me to drive long distances. I can get somewhere, getting back home is the issue. I have had several panic attacks in the car since my Henry died. I have had ocular migraines bad enough I had to pull over and wait until I could see well enough to drive again. My right leg and foot go numb and I can't feel the gas or brake pedal. Not every time I drive, but if I feel the tingling and numbness coming on, I stay home.

I don't go places that are longer than 10-15 minutes away and I have to do things early in the day. I can't drive at night so I must plan my days accordingly, especially in the winter.

These challenges have changed my life in ways I never thought possible. I never thought I would lose the strength and stamina like I have. I work hard when I am able to. I push myself until I can't move so the rest of the day, I do nothing. Sometimes I fall asleep from exhaustion, then its too late to talk to people. Normally I don't bother anyone...they have their own life to live.

So how can I help anyone else going through this? Well, by sharing my experiences, disappointments and physical limits perhaps you will see where you are compared to me and others in a similar situation and maybe you won't be so hard on yourself for not being able to do the things you feel you should do.

Learn something new, change your hair style, join a club are the most common things people tell me to do. I have to say, that doesn't really interest me right now. I have so many things waiting for me to work on, that another project, another decision, meeting new people on top of that is very stressful.

My advise is to take care of you. Be kind to you. Give yourself a break from the stress of being a widow or widower. If you are working, then relax when you get home. Or if you are athletic do something you enjoy.

Do something that makes you happy every day. It is different for everyone.

If you are already in a club, focus on that and seek out the friends there that are supportive. If you want to join a new club that is great. My point is no one can walk in your shoes, some of the suggestions are good ones, but if it doesn't interest you, find something that does.

Many people think they are being helpful...but sometimes they hit a nerve and you just want to retreat even further than you already have.

Being an artist is great but sometimes you just hit a creative block. You find yourself walking away from your gifts and are uninspired.
That is where I am today. Trying to find something to inspire me to keep creating something that is worth sharing.

Keep moving forward taking one step at a time.

Today I write, maybe tomorrow I will paint. I am determined to do something that is creative every day, because that is who I am.

Nov 25, 2023 1:37:10pm

Self care

 Today was my self care day. I spent some time just doing nothing. I played with Bella after breakfast. She found a new game to play and it is truly fun. It makes me laugh out loud. I definitely need to do more laughing. We play several times a day. She is a fun companion!

I thought about deleting this blog. I don't want to be just complaining about life, I want to have a life. I am not a person that enjoys being alone. I hate eating alone, cooking alone, shopping alone and most of all going places alone.

In my situation, I have numerous severe allergies and restaurants are a big concern. Unless the wait staff or kitchen staff know someone like me, they don't understand that a simple thing like using a spoon or spatula that was used on food with fish, shrimp, gluten and Kiwi could send me to the hospital. Just think about a knife and a cutting board that is used the whole day at a restaurant...It is seriously scary when I do go out. I have had a reaction at many places and then I don't go back ever again.

Many people think its a fad diet or something. Well, if you ever felt like I do when I have had cross contamination from the major allergens above, they would never eat out again. Just going down a bread aisle gives me a migraine, I can't breathe and I am sick for hours afterwards.

An allergy to shrimp happened in the late 1980's. I was taken to the ER and initially the paramedics thought I was having a stroke. As it turns out one of them had experience with an allergic reaction like mine and saved the day. I won't bore you with all the details, but it was frightening. Just the smell of shrimp will give me huge hives all over my body, my throat will close up and I can't breathe.

Living alone is very challenging because if I were to have a serious reaction to something, I could die here. It would be days before anyone would know.

I rarely eat anything cooked by others because I don't know what they do in their kitchens, what ingredients they use, or what oils they cook with. There's a lot to deal with.

Recently I emptied a bag of dirt and some hit the top of my ankle. I ended up with a rash. It has been over a week and the rash is still there. It is healing but again, no idea what caused it.

So as you read this are you thinking, geez what a pain in the ass she is. Or are you wondering how I even survive daily living.
No need to tell me, just look into your thoughts and decide if you need an attitude adjustment or pat yourself on the back for being a considerate human being.

I am not telling all this for sympathy. Quite the contrary...I am sharing how my life has been challenging enough and I still keep going, I still work hard and I still do the best that I can with what I have to work with.

I have done this all my life. I didn't have the tools to be the best wife, mother, grandmother, friend, but I sure tried the best I could every single day. Whether you believe it or not, I don't care. It is the truth. I gave my all to do everything that was expected of me and a lot more. I tried to be perfect but after years of disappointments, I realized that I could never be perfect in everyone's eyes when I couldn't be perfect in my own eyes.

So what does this have to be with grieving? It has a lot to do with it. We can only deal with life with the tools we have been given.
I deal with my life differently than you do because I don't have the same choices that you have. We have different challenges to deal with. Not everyone has miserable SOB's in their life and not everyone has unicorns and rainbows either. I wish there were more loving and understanding people in the world, but that will never happen.

I watched a lot of other people go through the loss of their spouses, children, siblings, parents, friends and pets. I tried to gain insight into all of it, when I lost the most important people in my life, I only learned that people cry and they became distant and lacked the desire to enjoy life in the same way.

If you think the families will gather around and give you all the love and understanding you need, step up to help you or comfort you, think again. The harsh reality is they have their own grief and better to make you the scapegoat than to admit they were not the loving person they want everyone to think they were.

I decided to create a Creative Grieving Glue Book. I will record the pages as I talk about the reason behind each page. I will thank the ones who were there for me and are still here to support me when I need it.

I don't know if it will be of interest to anyone, but its not about you, its about my struggle to regain my creativity and have some kind of a life. It is also to give someone who might need to compare notes of their experiences and mine, so they can heal too.

I wanted to shout out every name of every person who helped me along this journey, not sure they would appreciate it and I don't want to exclude one person. If I hear from them and they are ok with it, I will. But, I don't want to just throw names out there.

People did a lot while I was recovering, when I moved and since then. They helped me in so many ways. I am eternally grateful for all you did and some still do when I least expect it. You all know who you are...I love you and wish many blessings for you and yours.

Nov 26, 2023 4:02:11pm

Good, bad, ugly part of life

 Timeline photos

There is the GOOD, as well as the BAD and the UGLY part of life. But it seems like the BAD seems to be what you focus on. So far, I have written only about the BAD things that happened. Now for the GOOD! The days after my husband's death are a blur. However, some things did happen that were very GOOD, very heartwarming and supportive. I was attacked on Facebook by his family...bad for sure. But the GOOD was the support I received from most of my friends and my family. They rose up and defended me, knowing that these things they said were untrue. I am so grateful for those who fought for me and lifted me up at that horrible time. Months later after I recovered, I planned a Celebration of life...again attacked by his family. All the GOOD and wonderful people in my life intervened on my behalf. I am eternally grateful for those who stood by me and gave me a hand up. As I do this blog, I hope I can heal the worst of my emotions caused by the cruelty and unbelievable hatred spewed by others. The only reason they hated me was I was outspoken and told the truth. That isn't my monkey or my circus. I have come to realize that it is up to me to pack that shit up and put it out for the trash. I have an enormous circle of family and friends who love me and respect me. I owe it to them to honor that and remove the shroud of grief so I can enjoy the time I have left. There were times I just wanted to die and just get it over with because I was overwhelmed by all the negativity and being under attack daily. I have spent several months working on my shadow self so I can release the guilt of being the survivor. It is a lot of hard work, emotionally draining, but definitely worth the effort.

There is the GOOD, as well as the BAD and the UGLY part of life. But it seems like the BAD seems to be what you focus on.

So far, I have written only about the BAD things that happened. Now for the GOOD!

The days after my husband's death are a blur. However, some things did happen that were very GOOD, very heartwarming and supportive.

I was attacked on Facebook by his family...bad for sure. But the GOOD was the support I received from most of my friends and my family. They rose up and defended me, knowing that these things they said were untrue. I am so grateful for those who fought for me and lifted me up at that horrible time.

Months later after I recovered, I planned a Celebration of life...again attacked by his family. All the GOOD and wonderful people in my life intervened on my behalf. I am eternally grateful for those who stood by me and gave me a hand up.

As I do this blog, I hope I can heal the worst of my emotions caused by the cruelty and unbelievable hatred spewed by others.
The only reason they hated me was I was outspoken and told the truth. That isn't my monkey or my circus. I have come to realize that it is up to me to pack that shit up and put it out for the trash.

I have an enormous circle of family and friends who love me and respect me. I owe it to them to honor that and remove the shroud of grief so I can enjoy the time I have left.

There were times I just wanted to die and just get it over with because I was overwhelmed by all the negativity and being under attack daily.

I have spent several months working on my shadow self so I can release the guilt of being the survivor. It is a lot of hard work, emotionally draining, but definitely worth the effort.

Nov 25, 2023 10:42:31am