Emotionally unavailable

 Being Emotionally Unavailable

I wanted to touch on this yesterday, but I was working on something and just didn't feel like it after I was done with it.

As I talk to other grieving widows and widowers, I mentioned that I felt emotionally unavailable. Their response, was they too, felt the same way. They just get up in the morning, then follow a necessary routine and go to bed. Most go to bed early just because they can't stand the quiet any longer. The emptiness and the lack of conversation or companionship becomes overwhelming.

One of the most common things I hear is when you lose your spouse, people expect you to reach out to them if you want to talk. That means, I will talk to you, but prefer not to.

If they really wanted to help, they would reach out to you. Very few will do that. Even the people you thought were the closest to you. They don't find the time to do it. Is that a bad thing? No, because why talk to someone if you don't want to hear about the grief and sadness. I wish that I had realized this before now.

I was hurt by it, but now, I don't care about it. I know how I rate on the scale of importance. I adjust my time and efforts accordingly.

Some people have been through it and avoid contact too. That is because they can't relive the grief they have been able to set aside. I can certainly understand too. It is too painful for them to listen. It is a defense mechanism and we all do what we have to in order to survive.

I used to be an avid reader. I no longer enjoy reading. I have no desire to sit and struggle to read because of the quiet. As I read my mind wanders and I get no enjoyment from the book at all. I have trouble with staying focused and my eyes will blur and burn.

I turn on the TV just so I hear the voices. It fills the room with noise. When I get tired of it, I go to bed. I am an early riser as well, so I do the same. I couldn't care less about the news or the political shit and I absolutely hate commercials. So I watch videos until I am ready to start my day. After all, I have nothing to do early in the morning anyway.

I have nothing else to do, except play with Bella several times a day. She helps a lot but still hasn't found a way to have a meaningful conversation with me. LOL. I love her dearly and don't know what I would do without her.

Does any of this sound familiar? I believe that unless you have a job/life outside the home, you will probably relate to some of this.

I allowed myself to take the time to work on me. I pushed myself to the end of my rope to get the yard done, now there isn't anything I can do outside because it is too cold.

I have to face holidays, anniversary, birthdays, and numerous other reminders of the life I once had. Every month is full of those memories and most of it, I do it alone.

Recently, the anniversary of my husband's death came and went. I heard nothing from the ones that should have acknowledged it, so that was very hurtful. I am very disappointed in them. I didn't say anything but I will always feel that I was not important enough for them to even see if I was ok. I know I am not the only one who had this happen and that is truly sad.

I have been encouraged to find a new mate, someone that will fill my life again with joy. I am still emotionally unavailable in that sense. If it is meant to be that person will find me. I am not looking.

Nov 29, 2023 9:45:52am

Day after day I find myself reliving the past. Healing my shadow self is a lot of stressful work, but it is definitely worth doing. I tried so many things in the past that opened the locked doors in my mind, but never really addressed and solved the issues. Therapy, hypnosis, meditation, and much more...

All I really needed was someone that understood me, someone that truly loved me and wanted me in their life. Someone that didn't lie, cheat or abuse me.

Its very difficult to grieve the loss of my dearest Henry, but I am also grieving for my inner child, my younger self, and my adult self that never really had a chance to grow. Growth was stunted for many years.

I was never truly happy with my life until I met Henry. We learned so much while we were together. We gave each other the things that were missing in our previous lives with other people.

It is not my intention to bash anyone who can't defend themselves. I am only saying that until we met we were not just unhappy, we had nothing to be truly happy about as ourselves, the people we became, the emotional abuse we suffered and sometimes physical abuse as well.

We bared our souls with each other and we began our journey together saying that past is the past as we began our lives together with a clean slate.

Some family members were very angry about that, but it wasn't that he didn't love his family, they didn't make him feel loved or respected. I too felt the same in many situations. So we concentrated on loving each other and giving the best versions of ourselves every day to each other.

I miss that life. I miss being loved unconditionally. I miss not having someone that wanted nothing from me except my love. I miss holding his hand, the way he smiled at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I miss having that person who shared every moment with me because he wanted to, not because he had to.

I miss the sound of his voice, his music, the sound of his breathing as he slept beside me. I miss his gentle spirit and kind, loving manner, I miss everything about him.

Many times when we are grieving we end up not talking about the loss because it makes other people uncomfortable. Sometimes we over do it, for sure... But there will come a time that the person you thought wanted to hear you, comfort you and show you the support you needed, will do things that make you realize you made a big mistake even sharing those things that you carried with you all your life. The secrets we kept because we had no other way to deal with them, except pretend they were not important.

I could write a book on the subject, but that doesn't really help me or you. At least, for now. Perhaps when my grief has found a safe place in my heart and mind to reside until its my time to die.

Part of the problem with grief is we feel we can't talk about it because it pushes people away. It does that to many relationships. It is unfortunate, but some people can live with it, I cannot. I need to express myself and if you don't like it, don't want to hear it, well, that is your decision. Just remember that someday you will be faced with it. You will lose your spouse or someone you love and you will then know what it is like to go through it.

I never thought I would have so many regrets at this age. I didn't have them until I realized how much of my life was a lie. People who I thought cared really didn't. They had their own agendas and only wanted me for their own needs until I no longer wanted to remain part of that. Things I thought were true were not. Things I believed in are no longer a part of my life. I lost myself in many ways. I have to start over.

I was told by a therapist that I had tenacity. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here trying to heal myself and share my story with you.

Nov 29, 2023 9:15:47am