Day after day I find myself reliving the past. Healing my shadow self is a lot of stressful work, but it is definitely worth doing. I tried so many things in the past that opened the locked doors in my mind, but never really addressed and solved the issues. Therapy, hypnosis, meditation, and much more...
All I really needed was someone that understood me, someone that truly loved me and wanted me in their life. Someone that didn't lie, cheat or abuse me.
Its very difficult to grieve the loss of my dearest Henry, but I am also grieving for my inner child, my younger self, and my adult self that never really had a chance to grow. Growth was stunted for many years.
I was never truly happy with my life until I met Henry. We learned so much while we were together. We gave each other the things that were missing in our previous lives with other people.
It is not my intention to bash anyone who can't defend themselves. I am only saying that until we met we were not just unhappy, we had nothing to be truly happy about as ourselves, the people we became, the emotional abuse we suffered and sometimes physical abuse as well.
We bared our souls with each other and we began our journey together saying that past is the past as we began our lives together with a clean slate.
Some family members were very angry about that, but it wasn't that he didn't love his family, they didn't make him feel loved or respected. I too felt the same in many situations. So we concentrated on loving each other and giving the best versions of ourselves every day to each other.
I miss that life. I miss being loved unconditionally. I miss not having someone that wanted nothing from me except my love. I miss holding his hand, the way he smiled at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I miss having that person who shared every moment with me because he wanted to, not because he had to.
I miss the sound of his voice, his music, the sound of his breathing as he slept beside me. I miss his gentle spirit and kind, loving manner, I miss everything about him.
Many times when we are grieving we end up not talking about the loss because it makes other people uncomfortable. Sometimes we over do it, for sure... But there will come a time that the person you thought wanted to hear you, comfort you and show you the support you needed, will do things that make you realize you made a big mistake even sharing those things that you carried with you all your life. The secrets we kept because we had no other way to deal with them, except pretend they were not important.
I could write a book on the subject, but that doesn't really help me or you. At least, for now. Perhaps when my grief has found a safe place in my heart and mind to reside until its my time to die.
Part of the problem with grief is we feel we can't talk about it because it pushes people away. It does that to many relationships. It is unfortunate, but some people can live with it, I cannot. I need to express myself and if you don't like it, don't want to hear it, well, that is your decision. Just remember that someday you will be faced with it. You will lose your spouse or someone you love and you will then know what it is like to go through it.
I never thought I would have so many regrets at this age. I didn't have them until I realized how much of my life was a lie. People who I thought cared really didn't. They had their own agendas and only wanted me for their own needs until I no longer wanted to remain part of that. Things I thought were true were not. Things I believed in are no longer a part of my life. I lost myself in many ways. I have to start over.
I was told by a therapist that I had tenacity. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here trying to heal myself and share my story with you.
Nov 29, 2023 9:15:47am
No comments:
Post a Comment