Moving Forward

 Moving forward one step at a time

Many have asked me how did I do so much to start moving forward in the beginning.

We had talked about what we wanted and we each had advanced directives in place for our final requests.

Henry told me he wanted me to contact a trusted friend of his to sell his models as soon as possible in the event that he died before me. He also said that his music equipment was to be sold as soon as I could do that too. At this point in our lives what he came with from Ohio, his previous marriage, was already gone. He either sold it or traded those instruments to buy better equipment. We had a whole music room and a huge investment. I had help from a mutual friend to price and sell those items.

He also said he wanted his clothing, shoes, boots, coats etc., to be donated to the homeless shelter. All of what I did was extremely difficult to do and let go of. But to do as he wished I pushed through my emotions and did just that.

I was contacted by a homeless shelter that was desperate for men's clothes. I was referred to them from a friend. I honestly sobbed over every piece of clothing I touched. I managed to sort though it all and boxed up 6 enormous boxes and a few smaller ones.

Of course, I was attacked by his family who disagreed with my decision to do this so soon after he was gone. I saved a few items for them as they requested and I have certain items that hold precious memories for me.

I did nothing more until spring. That was when the models and his supplies were inventoried and sold. I am grateful for those that helped me with all of that. Another step forward in order to move to a smaller place and do as Henry had asked me in the case of his death.

Next was the music room. OMG that was heart wrenching to say the least. When that was inventoried and sold I was barely hanging on, but with the help and kindness of my family and friends, I was able to let those things go and took one more step forward.

A neighbor told me that my SIL said I shouldn't sell so fast, I should wait a year or more to do that. NOW HEAR THIS! None of her business for one. Who is she to even voice an opinion? She never set foot in our house for almost 6 years. I really didn't know her and she never once contacted me after Henry died.

(Don't let someone do this to you. It is none of their business if you need to make a new start. If the house is too big, you can't take care of it yourself, if you can't afford to live there since you have lost your spouse's income, that is up to you to make that decision. Do what you need to do to survive emotionally, physically or financially.)

I found this place that was just the right size, had room for my art/craft room and even though it needed some improvements it was move in ready. I was still very weak and exhausted all the time, but somehow with the help of friends and family I was able to achieve the move which was to make a new start.

I couldn't sell my house until I moved because I didn't know how long it would take me to get it packed up and be out of there. I was struggling with longhaulers so that was something that really made this step very difficult.

Once I did move, the house sold in a month and I was free from all the emotional attachments of it. I no longer got up in the morning looking at the spot where he fell, or see the movie in my mind of the paramedics taking him out the front door. I no longer had to live in 3 rooms because to go in the other rooms caused me a great deal of pain.

Taking those steps are not easy. But you must eventually make decisions for the rest of your life. Hiding everything in the closet only makes the steps to move forward more difficult. At least for me it does.

Decisions are difficult. You have to figure out a lot of things. You will make mistakes along the way, but, that is life and we just have to accept that.

Who to trust is another thing that is extremely important. I put my trust in someone only to be lied to or about, stolen from and that adds to the already stressful life you are living.

Some will kick you when you are down. Well, kick them back and to the curb. They are not worth having in your life, don't fall for their deceit and agendas.

At the present time, I have decided to stay here. Its not perfect, but at least its mine. I have no one to answer to or worry about if they approve of me or not, I don't care, its my life and if I make a mistake I will take responsibility for it, just like I have always done.

I have been through the raw grief so long, felt the anger every day of the way I was treated but I have learned from it. I can't change their opinion of me, that is their business. I can remove them and their hatred from my life and find the people who are supportive and in turn I will support them.

If you feel there is something wrong in their reaction to you or your feelings...go, don't waste your time explaining, just go. Move on and find the ones that will nurture your friendship and be there if you need a shoulder to cry on.

I am an over thinker. I always have been. I will take something offensive and be hurt by it for a long time... but that is not productive. I am working through that too. Not everyone that smiles at you has your best interest in mind. Sometimes that smile is their idea that you have bared your soul and they are glad you are suffering. Harsh reality but true. Not everyone is like that.

Find your tribe and embrace the new you. It is really that simple.