Self care

 Today was my self care day. I spent some time just doing nothing. I played with Bella after breakfast. She found a new game to play and it is truly fun. It makes me laugh out loud. I definitely need to do more laughing. We play several times a day. She is a fun companion!

I thought about deleting this blog. I don't want to be just complaining about life, I want to have a life. I am not a person that enjoys being alone. I hate eating alone, cooking alone, shopping alone and most of all going places alone.

In my situation, I have numerous severe allergies and restaurants are a big concern. Unless the wait staff or kitchen staff know someone like me, they don't understand that a simple thing like using a spoon or spatula that was used on food with fish, shrimp, gluten and Kiwi could send me to the hospital. Just think about a knife and a cutting board that is used the whole day at a restaurant...It is seriously scary when I do go out. I have had a reaction at many places and then I don't go back ever again.

Many people think its a fad diet or something. Well, if you ever felt like I do when I have had cross contamination from the major allergens above, they would never eat out again. Just going down a bread aisle gives me a migraine, I can't breathe and I am sick for hours afterwards.

An allergy to shrimp happened in the late 1980's. I was taken to the ER and initially the paramedics thought I was having a stroke. As it turns out one of them had experience with an allergic reaction like mine and saved the day. I won't bore you with all the details, but it was frightening. Just the smell of shrimp will give me huge hives all over my body, my throat will close up and I can't breathe.

Living alone is very challenging because if I were to have a serious reaction to something, I could die here. It would be days before anyone would know.

I rarely eat anything cooked by others because I don't know what they do in their kitchens, what ingredients they use, or what oils they cook with. There's a lot to deal with.

Recently I emptied a bag of dirt and some hit the top of my ankle. I ended up with a rash. It has been over a week and the rash is still there. It is healing but again, no idea what caused it.

So as you read this are you thinking, geez what a pain in the ass she is. Or are you wondering how I even survive daily living.
No need to tell me, just look into your thoughts and decide if you need an attitude adjustment or pat yourself on the back for being a considerate human being.

I am not telling all this for sympathy. Quite the contrary...I am sharing how my life has been challenging enough and I still keep going, I still work hard and I still do the best that I can with what I have to work with.

I have done this all my life. I didn't have the tools to be the best wife, mother, grandmother, friend, but I sure tried the best I could every single day. Whether you believe it or not, I don't care. It is the truth. I gave my all to do everything that was expected of me and a lot more. I tried to be perfect but after years of disappointments, I realized that I could never be perfect in everyone's eyes when I couldn't be perfect in my own eyes.

So what does this have to be with grieving? It has a lot to do with it. We can only deal with life with the tools we have been given.
I deal with my life differently than you do because I don't have the same choices that you have. We have different challenges to deal with. Not everyone has miserable SOB's in their life and not everyone has unicorns and rainbows either. I wish there were more loving and understanding people in the world, but that will never happen.

I watched a lot of other people go through the loss of their spouses, children, siblings, parents, friends and pets. I tried to gain insight into all of it, when I lost the most important people in my life, I only learned that people cry and they became distant and lacked the desire to enjoy life in the same way.

If you think the families will gather around and give you all the love and understanding you need, step up to help you or comfort you, think again. The harsh reality is they have their own grief and better to make you the scapegoat than to admit they were not the loving person they want everyone to think they were.

I decided to create a Creative Grieving Glue Book. I will record the pages as I talk about the reason behind each page. I will thank the ones who were there for me and are still here to support me when I need it.

I don't know if it will be of interest to anyone, but its not about you, its about my struggle to regain my creativity and have some kind of a life. It is also to give someone who might need to compare notes of their experiences and mine, so they can heal too.

I wanted to shout out every name of every person who helped me along this journey, not sure they would appreciate it and I don't want to exclude one person. If I hear from them and they are ok with it, I will. But, I don't want to just throw names out there.

People did a lot while I was recovering, when I moved and since then. They helped me in so many ways. I am eternally grateful for all you did and some still do when I least expect it. You all know who you are...I love you and wish many blessings for you and yours.

Nov 26, 2023 4:02:11pm